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gar
Member
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Posted: Thursday February 7th, 2008 06:03 pm |
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A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks up nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't appear right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
Have a great day!
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kylorsmom
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Posted: Thursday February 7th, 2008 06:04 pm |
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| LOVE IT!!!!
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trsyzdek
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| Joined: | Wednesday August 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Magnolia, Texas USA |
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Posted: Thursday February 7th, 2008 08:01 pm |
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| Thats a good one!
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kylorsmom
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Posted: Tuesday February 12th, 2008 06:39 pm |
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A little girl's story.......
One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me and my brother who is 4 years older than I am. I was maybe 1 ½ years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'
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gar
Member
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Posted: Tuesday February 12th, 2008 06:46 pm |
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LOL...........
That is so funny 
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kylorsmom
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Posted: Tuesday February 12th, 2008 06:48 pm |
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| Isn't it? i told my aunt who plays tea party all the time with her grandaughter to NEVER EVER EVER EVER under ANY circumstances let her bring her "tea" without knowing exactly where it comes from! LOL
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trsyzdek
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| Location: | Magnolia, Texas USA |
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Posted: Tuesday February 12th, 2008 09:25 pm |
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| thats so funny! KIDS!!
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April
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| Joined: | Thursday June 28th, 2007 |
| Location: | Waco, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 93 |
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Posted: Wednesday February 13th, 2008 08:17 pm |
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A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful ******* should remember
fairies are female.
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kylorsmom
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| Joined: | Monday June 25th, 2007 |
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Posted: Wednesday February 13th, 2008 08:19 pm |
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haaaaaaaaaa love it!!!! 
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jdtoney
Administrator
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Posted: Thursday February 14th, 2008 03:37 pm |
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Good one! Gooooooooooooo fairy!!
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gar
Member
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Posted: Friday February 15th, 2008 07:01 pm |
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These are Cute!!
Doctor's poker game...
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Two penguins...
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
Broomtown....
All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.
The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.
"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"
Little Johnny and the math teacher...
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
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trsyzdek
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Posted: Monday February 18th, 2008 09:07 pm |
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A joke i found on the net.....
Sad but true: One day when I was a new agent, I received a phone call from a lady saying that unfortunately she had to cancel her husband´s life insurance policy. "We always paid it in time", she said, "but since my dear husband´s sudden death last year I have had some financial hardship; therefore, I cannot pay it anymore."
Last edited on Monday February 18th, 2008 09:09 pm by trsyzdek
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kylorsmom
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Posted: Wednesday March 12th, 2008 03:40 pm |
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3 women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and a mask. He saw me and he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long.
The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, a mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.
The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:
"Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"
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kylorsmom
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Posted: Wednesday March 12th, 2008 03:54 pm |
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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
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trsyzdek
Moderator
| Joined: | Wednesday August 1st, 2007 |
| Location: | Magnolia, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 390 |
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Posted: Thursday March 27th, 2008 09:05 pm |
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FINALLY, THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR ?
A: It's Braille for " suck here. "
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS ?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but " down under. "
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS ?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN ?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
AND:
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT ?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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